tomorrow's the big day. i really hope we're all ready. whatever we have, and everythign we've got. tomorrow will decide what will happen. i doubt we'll come in first or second or third.. probably one of the last few. nonetheless, the judges like our presentation. bet that's the only reason why we're in the finals. they rated our playing's rather bad. well, f what they think. tomorrow we'll make sure eveyrbody enjoys themselves.

was just talking with my gf's sis and i was wondering what i woudl wanna do if money is not a problem to me. what if i'm richer than bill gates. or i have a share in each nation's earnings. well, somewhat. didnt really think alot and i'm kinda sure of what i would do to the money. i'd save the world from destruction. make poverty and hunger the thing of the past. i'll make supermarkets in villages. teach them skills they would never have learnt. and i wanna make sure everybody lives in peace. i will be chief justice. i will be moderator. i will be government. i wil rule this world and make it a better place. i hope they dont read my post and think i'm gonna use WMDs.. cowards. it sucks to think how a country's strength is determined by how big their weapon arsenal is now.

well anyway, i really hope things will go far for the both of us. somehow i am looking forward towards 2011 too. that sounds far.. but i hope by then i'd be rich.. not only with wealth but also with inner strength and knowledge. i'll work on it darling. we'll work for it together.

tomorrow's the big day. i really hope we're all ready. whatever we have, and everythign we've got. tomorrow will decide what will happen. i doubt we'll come in first or second or third.. probably one of the last few. nonetheless, the judges like our presentation. bet that's the only reason why we're in the finals. they rated our playing's rather bad. well, f what they think. tomorrow we'll make sure eveyrbody enjoys themselves.

was just talking with my gf's sis and i was wondering what i woudl wanna do if money is not a problem to me. what if i'm richer than bill gates. or i have a share in each nation's earnings. well, somewhat. didnt really think alot and i'm kinda sure of what i would do to the money. i'd save the world from destruction. make poverty and hunger the thing of the past. i'll make supermarkets in villages. teach them skills they would never have learnt. and i wanna make sure everybody lives in peace. i will be chief justice. i will be moderator. i will be government. i wil rule this world and make it a better place. i hope they dont read my post and think i'm gonna use WMDs.. cowards. it sucks to think how a country's strength is determined by how big their weapon arsenal is now.

well anyway, i really hope things will go far for the both of us. somehow i am looking forward towards 2011 too. that sounds far.. but i hope by then i'd be rich.. not only with wealth but also with inner strength and knowledge. i'll work on it darling. we'll work for it together.

*muaks muaks*

after the rain, what more can u ask for than a perfect weathered sunday morning? except this damn breathless feeling. had a pillow fight with my siblings last night since our parents weren't home. guess it was the dust. i miss my siblings. havent been updating this blog for yonks. sometimes i do.. but i dont really know what to say you know? my life's aint that interesting to tell people what i do everyday. i doubt people would wanna know too. haha.

ah well.. the change in vocation was definitely a life saver. i thank dr lim for that. and his ord kfc treat. hehe. the best medical centre doctor i've ever seen. ever smiling and always cracking jokes at everyone. the mc's good. i've made a lot of new friends since.. 25th november 2005.

well, i'm currently just happy with my life. making theories and making someone giggle or blush or laugh or hmmmm.. it amazes me how everyday feels like a new day with you. it's already more than half a year we've shared this feeling and still it keeps feeling like it's the first date everytime. there's always something new to look forward to. can this not ever end? i dont feel like it's going to end. it takes two to tango dear and i think none of us wants to stop.

we dont have to eat at fancy restaurants,
or take the cab to the movies,
rack the stores and buy nothing,
browse home decor books at the library..

we'd go to the park on a sunday afternoon,
which brings back memories for today
i'd offer you my shoulder on those long bus rides
for you know i've already given you my heart..

what else can i ask for
to have someone like you close to me?
i wanna wake up one day
to have you right beside me..

you make me feel so home,
whether on the road or by the shore,
i believe i've found you
the girl im looking for..
cant imagine my life without you. *mwacksz*

i guess things havent been really swell ard the neighbourhood. i'm having problems coping with work. i feel so drained out most of the time. i feel like if someone were to push me i'd fly. totally weak. i feel so weak. i need a holiday. a long one. my mind's been very messy these days..dont know what's wrong. i just dont feel the satisfaction of trying my best anymore. maybe it's just not my time.

do i flirt too much?

nothing lasts forever.

the song in my head for the moment right now. for you dear.

Kau merupa segala
Cinta yang ku dahaga
Kehadiran dirimu
Menyinari maka semua hatiku

Kau lukis hidupku
Kau hias hatiku
Kau sambut cintaku
Tulus ikhlas
Suci hatimu kasih

Kaulah segalanya
Yang menyinar hidupku kasih
Hanya satunya
Yang kucintai

Sambutlah cintaku
Jangan kau pergi dari sisiku
Cintaku padamu
Ikhlas sejati

Hulur tanganmu kasih
Sambut cintaku
Jangan tinggalkan daku
Seorang diri
Tak sanggup lagi dilukai oh..

Maafkan daku
Jika salahku
Peristiwa yang pernah ku alami dulu
Aku tahu betapa pahit
Mu menerima sejarah hidupku oh..

Kaulah segalanya
Yang menyinar hidupku kasih
Hanya satunya
Yang kucintai

Sambutlah cintaku
Jangan kau pergi dari sisiku
Cintaku padamu
Ikhlas sejati

to the one i love
this is for you
i've written these few words
a few things said and true

i love the squeeze u make,
when you hold my hand so tight,
i love those lovely eyes,
which makes it feel so right.

i love your glossy lips,
always tempting my lips to play.
the smile you give when u see me,
plastered on my mind when you're away.

i love the way you look at me,
when i dont notice and unaware.
the way you hold me tight,
shows me how much u really care.

i love your open mind,
which doesnt hold my words back.
but sometimes i get too overboard,
end up hating myself for being so "tact".

i love you the way you are right now
so sweet so lovely so wonderful
and i still want to see u so bad.
i love the way you still care for me,
eventhough i got you mad.

i wrote this halfway
just a few days ago,
i couldnt really finish it up,
coz there's so much more of you i dont know.

and now it's clearer,
that i have this much left to say,
i know i'm wrong and i just killed your day.
please forgive me my dear,
now please dont go away.

but it's that one last thing about you,
i've always noticed and willing to catch.
it's your relentless love for me my dear,
eventhough we're arguing, we're fighting,
that i cant really seem to match.
-Wan

my head is spinning and i've drugged myself to sleep. eyes cant hold any longer. gd nite sweetie.

was just lying down thinking abt things and kinda i thought about how it's not really right for an attached guy to go out with multiple girls but it's ok for an attached girl to go out with multiple guys. someone clarify this for me please. is it that girlfriends think that their boyfriends might fall for another girl? like some other girl might steal him away? or is it that she's afraid he'll play behind her back coz they think they know what the male mind want? i guess they might think. yeah. sex. but let's reverse the situation. if girlfriends go out on "friendly meetings", as in only one guy + one girl, why wouldnt that other guy think abt sex too? i bet he feels like holding your hand or hugging you or kissing you. but of course, which attached girl would say that's true? it's always a friend thing. yeah. haha. so generally, the boyfriend's the bastard who cant stop thinking abt sex with another girl but every other guy she goes out with is never? funny ey?

i dont like the awkward good byes. it's plaguing my mind. i'm gonna go read my book now. we'll see each other next weekend alright? this week i'll reserve it for my family and friends. we could go shop for my baju raya. you enjoy ur weekend too. take care til i see you again.

it sucks to be here. i think i've never felt so depressed in my whole life. i never hated a place so much. this is so bad. thank god for friends.

past weekend was short. i made time for my family, made time for my friends and also for you. i'm sorry if i couldnt spend more time with you. i miss you a lot but how short the time we spent together it's worth every second of it. didnt really buy u something really extravagant for your special day. but i hope the cookies wld mean a lot to you.

first time bukaing with my family at home. everyone was there, my uncle and aunts, cousins. :) what a way to break fast. but it was shortlived. i had to go back to the hellhole before 9. wat to do. suffer. when everyone else is enjoying their sunday night. i truly think it's not fair for us lower ranks here. i hate this place. really. why dont they feel us? i dont think they even realise we are dreading it. i realised this is the only thing i've been talking abt the past couple of posts. someone help me.

i miss my family already. i miss my friends. and i miss you too. i dont think i can get thru all this. what's worth trying to accomplish things you dont get recognition for. u try your best but yet noone acknowledges it. i dont really mind the acknowledging part but for crying out loud, at least realise what i've done here is already my best. i cant give my all to something i dont believe in. i'm not happy here. no matter what anybody's words maybe like. i'm not happy here.

we havent been spending a lot of time together. and the next few weeks and months i wont be easily free. i just wish i was like some other people. who gets to go back home everyday. see their family and loved ones.

i'm deprived of care from my love ones.

mum. dad. brothers. sis.

you.

my darling friends.

how do i make time when all i have is a few hours?
God give me strength to live this thru.
for i've always had a heart and
my patience is my virtue.

my master sergeant means well. i know he does. but he's trying to change something in me that is not me. i'm trying my best. let out my first yell. but momentarily. i'm not meant to be stepped on. but it's hard trying to get 100++ cadets to listen to you. these woses might be experienced, but i'm just a mere 1 yr soldier. i've still got lots to learn. i've lost what i was in sec sch. and now i'm trying very hard to be that. i guess i have to yell a bit more. but i dont like that. why cant people just listen when you talk to them nicely? why must u yell to get your message across? this irritates me. must i show my anger? must i just let out everythign i got inside? i feel so pressured.

i wanted to go home and eat with my family today since it's the first day of the fasting month. looks like it's not happening at all. they held me back. fuck, i'm not even a cadet anymore. the last time i touched the duty room was 6 motnhs ago. what the fuck do i remember? and now it's my fucking problem to sort it out. i just wish i could get posted somewhere else. i hate this place sometimes. i dont feel at home even though they say make this ours. you try sleeping here for weeks and not seeing your family. how much u gonna miss em? you go back home everyday. this place is not your home. so why try to make it ours?

so much to voice out but u know things will never change around here. i've tried and tried. still no difference. i just wish to eat with my family.

i have been working in and out for the past 2 days without a gd rest. and i'm not even going out to the field for goodness sake. one thing after another. people have been asking me to do things for them and strangely those were part of my jobscope. i dunno but this seems like a lil bit tad too much for me to handle right now. i swear i feel like breaking down today. now i understand the feeling of when someone throws their phone ard when their mad. even though my phone's durable enough to handle a fall or tumble. i dnot think it would be saved if i had thrown my phone just now. i swear i feel like i'm overdoing things ard here. i dont get the people here sometimes. or maybe it's just me doing everythign wrongly. i get fucked for everything i do. i have no grudges with anyone but i feel like i cant work with people. i AM a loner. i have friends but none i would considered very very close. blood close. people all go out and hang out. i prefer to be out with my cousins instead. i hate working here. i just hate the workload. there's this phrase at the cupboard next to my table. skills, knowledge, abilities and experience is only useful when you're at the right place. i dont think i'm at the right place.

anyway, fucked up things aside. i realise now why people go home from work.

1. it's to take that stress every work day away.
2. it makes u smile to see your love one even though the day's been kinda rough.

basically, the main reason is to destress. that's why u go back home at 5pm and start back rolling at 8am the next day but what abt me? what abt US here? I feel like being in my shoes is the worst job u can take. we dont get to go home. we dont get to go out during the week. we see someone for a mere few hours and off we go back to camp and it's not like it's only for a short phase. it's for 2 freaking years for goodness sake. i was so much happier before. they're expecting too much from us. think about their families and i guess they think 2 years of staying in is good lah. i know we're too young too have families yet. no father no mother no brother no sister. i know. that's how we are. fucking slaves. if u have the reason to go home at 5 everyday because of family. why cant i?

really been working in and out every day. it's not really physically tiring. but it's mentally torturing. freaking exhausted. i guess people could see it in my face. sometimes i dont get people. when i work hard, they say i work too much. when i dont work hard they say i'm too lazy. so far nothign seems right in the middle. anyway, i'm all alone in the company coz everyone's out for the moment. haha. shit. i feel like noone's here to stop me.. but when u got nothing to do, you get bored easily. i wanna continue with my work but i cant stay in front of that comp sorting out the dastard improperly names files in the big folder. can't help it but to rename all of it. i'll proabbaly continue later. now i wanna have a small break. and yeah. they forgot about my dinner again. they always do that. shish. go. go. go eat without me.

on the other hand, i cant wait to go back tomorrow morning. cant wait to see someone. i'll look at what we can do k darling? remember. dress light. :)

is a good day. well, it's starting to feel like one. even though really tiring. but i'm really feeling ok today. i think it's just having to hear someone's voice in the morning. though brief it's still so wonderful to wake up to someone. :)
this day will never be this way without u.
yesterday was one of the zaniest days i've ever had. took neoprints. what more can i say. haha. i felt so awkward and so jakun going into the shop. well, it's someone's idea and i really appreciate. felt so... nvm. hehe. we'll keep that for later. :) hope u are havign a gd day too sweetie. i love you.

my brain's fried right now. i seriously hate paperwork. havent had the time to rest fully yet since morning. got tonnes to do here tonight. i hope to get everything done by tomorrow evening. if not, hellooooo camp on saturday!

i really wanna write sweet thoughts but i cant.
so maybe how i feel right now should work just fine.
i just want you to say hello.
or to ask how i am doing.
it'll make my whole heart beat again
even if i drowned while i'm swimming.
sometimes i'm busy n i cant say hi.
but that doesnt mean i'm not thinking of you,
my precious lullabye.
u are that softness in my world,
u are my patience revived.
i'd wait for you anytime.
and not get mad.
i'd wait for you and the bus for a long time,
and i'm sure i've done that.
i can go on forever and ever and ever.
but i dont think i can do that.
here to say i miss you. i love you.
my beloved kitty cat.
that's you hun..
*mwacksz*

i've set a couple of goals for KDJ. god knows if i have the time. but i'll try my best.

a couple of other 'end of the year' goals as well..

1. children's book publishing grant by MDA
again.. i dunno if i have the time but i'm mighty interested. willy the seal. hehe.
mira
2. at least have 50% for next year's gig confirmed
i
3. 1 script
love
4. 1 short film
you
5. CHALET! at the end of the year with NBTY and friends

does that look like a lot of things to do? well, i hope it's not that much. time is always a factor. i will still have sometime for you k? no worries. miss u dear.

i think every quarter year we all have to sit down and reevaluate ourselves again. i think i'll do that this weekend. i've set myself a couple of goals for the band. well, let's just here it next week. :) i'll try to be realistic.

i'm gonna try to go freelance the first few months after NS. i'm not gonna try to work somewhere first. part time at a video store or some place i can either 1. leech on something or 2. learn new things. i'd rather take the latter. waht's best if i can have both. wahahaha. well, let's list down the places i CAN work. i guess anything would do. as long as it's not admin stuff. i think i've had enough shit in this camp with admin stuff. well, i do learn a lot of things from it. but i dont think it's my cup of tea. i wanna work where i can run ard whenever i want and at my own time. maybe i'll start my own company or maybe try somethign like being a private investigator.. that sounds challenging doesnt it?
*mwacksz* the loveliest.. i love you sweetie..
i swear i'll end up doing admin shit.

hmm.. a boss in some big worldwide company? ok. that i dont mind.