my master sergeant means well. i know he does. but he's trying to change something in me that is not me. i'm trying my best. let out my first yell. but momentarily. i'm not meant to be stepped on. but it's hard trying to get 100++ cadets to listen to you. these woses might be experienced, but i'm just a mere 1 yr soldier. i've still got lots to learn. i've lost what i was in sec sch. and now i'm trying very hard to be that. i guess i have to yell a bit more. but i dont like that. why cant people just listen when you talk to them nicely? why must u yell to get your message across? this irritates me. must i show my anger? must i just let out everythign i got inside? i feel so pressured.

i wanted to go home and eat with my family today since it's the first day of the fasting month. looks like it's not happening at all. they held me back. fuck, i'm not even a cadet anymore. the last time i touched the duty room was 6 motnhs ago. what the fuck do i remember? and now it's my fucking problem to sort it out. i just wish i could get posted somewhere else. i hate this place sometimes. i dont feel at home even though they say make this ours. you try sleeping here for weeks and not seeing your family. how much u gonna miss em? you go back home everyday. this place is not your home. so why try to make it ours?

so much to voice out but u know things will never change around here. i've tried and tried. still no difference. i just wish to eat with my family.